3 mindfulness rituals that will make you happy

3 mindfulness rituals that will make you happy3 mindfulness rituals that will make you happyWhy is it so hard to be happy all the time? Why cant ur lives be more like the joyous families in insurance commercials and less like the lives of people making insurance claims?Follow Ladders on FlipboardFollow Ladders magazines on Flipboard covering Happiness, Productivity, Job Satisfaction, Neuroscience, and moreSo what does the research say can make us happier? Mindfulness. It comes from Buddhism but we wont be discussing religion here. Well be looking at ACT Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, as detailed in Russ Harris wonderful bookThe Happiness Trap.This is the scientifically-distilled version of mindfulness. Vetted, tested, with air shocks and spinning rims. No chanting, no monk robes necessary. (Which is good, because as we all know, saffron issoleid my color.)FromThe Happiness TrapACT (pronounced like the word act) was developed in the United States by psychologist Steven Hayes and h is colleagues, Kelly Wilson and Kirk Strosahl. ACT has been astoundingly effective in helping people with a wide range of problems from depression and anxiety to chronic pain and even drug addiction.Okay, to the point Why is it so damn hard to stay happy? Well, the first reason is because we believe a number myths about what happiness is. Time to fix that.Lets get to itThe 4 Happiness MythsMyth 1 Happiness Is the Natural State for All Human BeingsSorry, thats just naive. The human brains default state is not bliss. Anyone who has spoken to me in the morning before Ive had caffeine knows this.But advertising, Facebook, and big parts of our culture reinforce this myth on a near-constant basis.Youve met people who are super happy all the time and, lets be honest here they kinda creep you out.We all have ups and downs. Thats normal and natural. But thinking youre supposed to be ecstatic 24/7 isa waterslide into myth 2Myth 2 If Youre Not Happy, Youre DefectiveWe feel like if theres anyth ing wrong with life than there must be something wrong withus. And so we scramble to fix ourselves because this cant be rightMyth 3 To Create a Better Life, We Must Get Rid of Negative FeelingsEveryone else feels great all the time (pro tip no, they dont) so we should too. And then were running headlong intoMyth 4 You Should Be Able to Control What You Think and FeelWe have reached our final destination. Please take your belongings from the overhead bins and exit to your left.We all spend alotof time trying to control what we think and feel. Do me a favor dont think about bearsHowd that go?Oh, and next time youre sad why dont you just snap out of it. How well does that work?Of course, neither do. We cant control what we think or feel at least not so directly and immediately. Sure, we can influence unterstellung things - but control? Nope.And so were often struggling to change what we cant. And this just fuels the fire of ansicht emotions as we struggle with them. We end up with an xiety about our anxiety, anger about our depression and depression about our anger layered on top of one another like some mental health version of Inception.Or we do things to muscle our thoughts and feelings into compliance(procrastination, drinking, etc.)that offer short-term improvement of our feelings, but in the long-term take us away from our goals and values.This is not the path to a happy life. This is the happiness trap.Youre not going to feel good all the time. Sorry. And you cant directly and immediately control your thoughts and feelings as easily as you change the background image on your smartphone.But thatsokay. Defining happiness as sheer unrelenting non-opiate-fueled-bliss is absurd. We have the happiness definition wrong. Happiness should mean a rich, full and meaningful life - and that includes upsanddowns.FromThe Happiness TrapThe other far less common meaning of happiness is living a rich, full, and meaningful life. When we take action on the things that truly matter deep in our hearts, move in directions that we consider valuable and worthy, clarify what we stand for in life and act accordingly, then our lives become rich and full and meaningful, and we experience a powerful sense of vitality. This is not some fleeting feeling- it is a profound sense of a life well lived. And although such a life will undoubtedly give us many pleasurable feelings, it will also give us uncomfortable ones, such as sadness, fear, and anger. This is only to be expected. If we live a full life, we will feel the full range of human emotions.(To learn more about how you and your children can lead a successful life, check out my bestselling bookhere.)Now thats all fine and dandy - but how do we get out of this trap for good?We need to think differently about thinkingYou Are Not Your ThoughtsThere are facts and there are thoughts. Facts we can all agree on (Alice is frowning.) Thoughts are the judgments, interpretations and stories that our brains incessantly c hatter about all day (Alice is frowning because she hates me just like everyone hates me because Im a badeanstalt person and thats why I will die alone.)Yes, these thoughts are all too often negative.Your brain makes thoughts. Thats what it does. Some true, some false, some useful, some not, and some totally absurd. But its what your brain does, trying to make sense of the world so that it can fulfill its evolutionarily goal of keeping younot-deadby pulling the puppet strings of anxiety, regret, and fear to try to keep you safe from anything that might change yournot-deadstatus.You cant control thoughts any more than you can control a headache. Actions, youre responsible for. Thoughts, not so much. So when it comes to thoughts, youre not the anfhrer of you.But the problem is we oftenfusewith our thoughts. You think those thoughts are you. You think those thoughts are gospel. That voice in your head speaks only truth. Its like hearing the PA system in Wal-Mart and assuming thats God talking. (No, its not God talking. A kid threw up in aisle 4.)FromThe Happiness TrapAll too often we react to our thoughts as if they are the absolute truth or as if we must give them all our attention. The psychological jargon for this reaction is fusion.So your brain weaves a fact into thought, you fuse with it and thats how Alice frowning morphs into Im unlovable. We take these stories our brain creates way too seriously and its like a mental computer virus hijacked your brain.Do you really believe most of your thoughts are all that important? Of course theyre not. If they were mission critical, you wouldnt even get a vote on whether to listen to them. Your brain does super-important stuff like keeping you breathing and your heart beating. Youre not even allowed to touch that software. Because if you were, at some point you wouldve gotten distracted by your phone, stopped inhaling, turned blue and died.And, more importantly, when you get so swept up in negative thoughts, youre mi ssing out on life. Youre engaged with a sad story youre telling yourself - one that isnt even real. Chronic depression is often an ongoing fusion with thoughts about the past. And anxiety is fusion with worries about the future. People with both conditions often exhibit anhedonia, a reduced ability to experience pleasure. They cant experience the joys of the world around them because theyre too wrapped in the stories theyre telling themselves about the world.Now this doesnt mean fusion is bad. Being immersed in a good conversation with close friends can be positive fusion. Fusion can be a flow state. And negative thoughts arent necessarily the enemy either. Sometimes you need a kick in the keister and your brain guilting you is helpful.The issue is we wantthe ability to step back and evaluate these thoughts. Because when were fused it can be hard to see what is real and we can become a puppet to false, negative stories.To be fair, sometimes its tricky to tell facts and thoughts apa rtExample 1They wont like me.Your crystal ball is lovely but, sorry - thats a thought, not a fact.Example 2I cant go for a run because Im too tired.Thoughty-thought-thought. No fact-o delicti. Now I cant go for a run because a spinal injury has paralyzed my legs. Okay, thats a fact.How do you know if youre fused with a thought or feeling? Ask yourself a simple questionIf I wasnt thinking about this, would it still be a problem?Man standing in front of you with a gun? Okay, not a fusion issue. Thats real.Alice is frowning, proving I am an unlovable wretch and I deserve to be boiling in a cauldron in a Hieronymus Bosch painting of Hades.Fusion alert.Alice could just be constipated and you may be awesome.(To learn the 4-step morning ritual that will make you happy all day, clickhere.)Some will reply, But what if itstrue? What if Alice is frowning because she hates me?Well, guess what?It doesnt matterYou Gotta DefuseLots of stuff is true. Epic landfills of truth out there. Doesnt mean you need to be thinking about it. You will never think about most of the true things about the subject of organic chemistry because you dont even know them. So truth is not a good reason for the wheels in your brain to keep spinning unhappily over anything.The more important issue when dealing with troublesome thoughts isIs this helpful? Will further exploration of this thought help me live the life I want?So when negative thoughts become a problem we need to defuse from them. How do we do that? By accepting them, not wrestling with them.Now that word acceptance gets me in a lot of trouble. People think it means caving, giving in, resigning yourself, waving the white flag But thats not a helpful way of looking at acceptance.FromThe Happiness TrapAcceptance does not mean putting up with or resigning yourself to anything. Acceptance is about embracing life, not merely tolerating it. Acceptance literally means taking what is offered. It doesnt mean giving up or admitting defeat it does nt mean just gritting your teeth and bearing it. It means fully opening yourself to your present reality- acknowledging how it is, right here and now, and letting go of the struggle with life as it is in this moment.I see unhelpful thoughts like junk mail. Do you sit down and write a letter back to the sender telling them how awful junk mail is? No. Do you deny its existence? No. You accept it. And then you go do something useful with your time.And this is the goal with defusion we dont try to control our thoughts because that doesnt work (Bears. Dont think about them.) And we dont do a full-on-brain-filibuster arguing with the thoughts because that just makes it worse.We must recognize the thought for what it is just a thought. A story, a judgment. Not necessarily true and definitely not you. Acknowledge it. But dont wrestle with it and give it energy.FromThe Happiness TrapIn a state of fusion, thoughts seem to be the absolute truth and very important. But in a state of defusion, w e recognize that1) Thoughts are merely sounds, words, stories, or bits of language.2) Thoughts may or may not be true we dont automatically believe them.3) Thoughts may or may not be important we pay attention only if theyre helpful.4) Thoughts are definitely not orders we certainly dont have to obey them.5) Thoughts may or may not be wise we dont automatically follow their advice.6) Thoughts are never threats even the most painful or disturbing of thoughts does not represent a threat to us.How hard is it to evaluate other peoples problems and tell them what you would do? Oh, thats easy. (Hand me my gavel, please.) But how hard is it to be objective about your own failings, and then make a habit of consistently doing the right thing from this day forward without beating yourself up? (Id have better luck trying to invade Russia during the winter. By myself.)Stepping back helps you treat your own issues like you treat other peoples. Which actually makes sense because your thoughts are nt you, right?Okay, so youre feeling stressed, anxious or depressed. Thats your Mindfulness Bat Signal from now on. Time to spring into action with your new skills1. Step Back And Isolate ItPause. Ask yourself, What story is my mind telling me now?This immediately provides that distance. For example, a lot of people struggle with self-esteem. But self-esteem is just another thought, another story your brain spins. So as soon as you realizeyouarent saying Im a loser, your brain is saying it, something wonderful happens you dont have to agree.Another simple formula is to take the thought and before it add Im having the thought that Again, this provides that distance.Sounds simple but its quite powerful. Im having the thought that Im a loser is a puzzle to be solved, not a bullet train to getting all emo.FromThe Happiness Trapfirst bring to mind an upsetting thought that takes the form I am X. For example, Im not good enough or Im incompetent. Preferably pick a thought that often recur s and that usually bothers or upsets you Next, take that thought and in front of it, insert this phrase Im having the thought that . . . Play that thought again, but this time with the phrase attached.2) Accept and defuseYour brain occasionally comes up with crazy thoughts, right? But we take its thoughts so seriously at times and let them get us down. Its important to remember how imperfect your brains track record is.So when its negative thoughts try and fuse, gently mock it. Dont get angry or worked up, but not taking it so seriously and teasing it a bit can take the steam out of its painful judgments.Brain Youre a loser.Me Im having the thought that Im a loser. HmmOh, silly brain.Some people will say, I cant dismiss it that easily what if Iama loser? Again, true doesnt matter helpful does. Or some might say, I cant dismiss the feeling that easily. That means youre fused with it. You need to step back and see it as one of many possible stories, not the single, undeniable truth.We all have recurring negative thoughts. Your brain can be a regular jukebox of criticism that never turns off. But rather than despairing over this, accept its nature and take the sting out of it.Imagine your personal playlist of negative-thought-songs. (If youre over 40 youre welcome to call it a mixtape.)Brain Youre a loser.Me Im having the thought that Im a loser. Hmm Oh,thatsong again. Is this from my Im feeling inferior playlist? I think the acoustic version of Nobody likes me is next, followed by an a cappella rendition of Life sucks.If youre laughing at your brain, its hard to get too depressed, anxious or angry.FromThe Happiness TrapAfter doing this exercise, you probably found that by now youre just not taking that thought quite so seriously youre just not buying into it as much. Notice that you havent challenged the thought at all. You havent tried to get rid of it, debated whether its true or false, or tried to replace it with a positive thought.Full disclosure it takes pr actice to get good at this. You wouldnt lift weights once and then quit because you werent all jacked the next day. So keep at it. Try to get better at noticing when youre fused with an unhelpful story. Then defuse it.And count on your short attention span to help the unhelpful thought drift off.Yes, another thought will inevitably come along and try to hijack your brain. Forever and ever. But with practice, youll get better at handling how your mind naturally works.As the saying goes, You cannot stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.(To learn the 4 harsh truths that will make you a better person, clickhere.)Okay, weve learned a lot. (Not a thought, thats a fact I hope.) Time to round everything up and learn why perpetual bliss is a terrible goalSum UpHere are 3 mindfulness rituals that will make you happyMyths of happiness Bliss isnt the default, you arent broken, negative feelings are natural and you cant directly control your feelings. And that is totally okay.You are not you r thoughts Would you really think all that negative stuff if it was up to you? No. Its not you. Hearts beat, eyes blink and brains think. And you are allowed to respectfully disagree with its efforts.You gotta defuse What story is your brain telling you right now?Oh, silly brainSome people might get sad that there is no perpetual bliss at the end of the happiness rainbow. A little difficulty makes life richer. Without it, there could be no pride in overcoming challenges - because there would be no challenges. Thered be no such thing as a comeback. Youd never feel the joy of improvement.Plain and simple youd be happy but bored. We dont want that. We want a well-rounded life.But when the internal challenges get fierce, remember youre not your thoughts. Youre not your brain. So dont take your brain or its thoughts so seriouslyThey didnt like this blog post, Eric.Oh, were playingthatsong again, are we?Join over 330,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.This article first a ppeared on Barking Up the Wrong Tree.You might also enjoyNew neuroscience reveals 4 rituals that will make you happyStrangers know your social class in the first seven words you say, study finds10 lessons from Benjamin Franklins daily schedule that will double your productivityThe worst mistakes you can make in an interview, according to 12 CEOs10 habits of mentally strong people